I haven't written in this journal for quite sometime. This will be my last entry into it.
It is a struggle for me to get through a hour at a time a day at a time.

I lost my pride my joy my happiness my heart Nov 11th, when I lost my daughter in a fatal accident.

Do you ever think to yourself why me?

Much has happened since I last wrote. My bestfriends grandfather is still hanging in there and in good spirits. Her mother is still cancer free!

The last couple of weeks have taught me there is no perfect formula or method to follow when relocating. I am finally relocated and in the advanced nursing practitioner program! I've commented to a few friends in the last two weeks either college has become more informal in the last few years or I've certainly aged. I have experienced a few hiccups along the way, however most were minor until today. I pulled up to a light that was turning yellow and as I approached closer the light turned red, of course I stop. Within a few blinks of the eye I was slammed into from behind and pushed into oncoming traffic. After I got over the sound of crashing metal, the airbags deploying, the shock, and a few choice words of what the ()*#$^& just happened, I realized I had been hit from behind and hit in the left front as well. I climbed over my bucket seats and opened the passenger door to get out. I was still in a bit of a daze and here comes the driver of the car that slammed into me at a RED stoplight saying, "The light was green." I wanted to say, "Are you color blind?" I checked to see if anyone was injured, no one required transport to the hospital emergency room via ambulance. Police came witnesses reported the light was indeed RED and still the guy was trying to convince everyone the light was green. Needless to say my car, my baby had to be towed. My insurance company is the best! I'm in a rental and will find out more about my car and such after the holiday. I'm now looking forward to a hopefully fun and uneventful 3 day weekend!

The last week and a half have almost become a blur. Things are moving so fast with school and closing on the house. I'm doing good just to remember what day it is right now. I am trying to put myself semi on the back burner right now as my bestfriend is going through a crisis in her life. Her grandfather was dx with end stages of cancer. Her mother has defeated cancer twice but has a lump that is being tested. The results will be back sometime today. I feel better knowing that hospice is set up to help her grandfather. I know my best friend and her family will try to help him maintain the best quality of life in his remaining time. We've been bestfriends since 2nd grade. I feel somewhat guilty knowning in a few weeks I won't be as close in distance as I am now. The most I can do is to be here for her now and after my move remain flexible enough that I can be back up here when she needs me the most. I can't say I know how she feels, because no matter, when we lose a loved one in our life, it isn't the same when someone else loses a love one in their life. The circumstances might be similar but our feelings and emotions never match theirs. So I try to stay away from those famous phrases of "I know how you feel, or I know how you're feeling, or I understand" I might think I do, but in reality I don't. My bestfriend needs a brick right now, so she can vent her frustrations and anger, and yet that bricks needs a gentle exterior, so when she needs to be consoled or hugged she won't be hurting more than she is right now. I'm going to be the best brick I can for her.

Yesterday started off fairly normal. I watched tv in bed for a couple of hours and then got up and put a load of clothes in the washing machine. It wasn't long after I discovered my washing machine and some plumbing died. I called a friend and we went to lowes together to replace my old washing machine. While my friend was gathering up what was needed for the new machine I stayed on the plumbing isle. Pretty neat gadgets if you ask me, all shapes and sizes. All the little pieces screwed into a display, I guess so you can find what you want by sight. Well I became mmm bored and decided to entertain myself. So I started playing this little finger goes here and this little finger goes there. I was humming "you can't touch this" semi quietly to myself and then it happened, my pinky finger got stuck. I quickly looked around to see if anyone had seen what had happened, whew I thought coast was clear and I had time to get out of this stuck situation. Then low and behold here comes my friend with things from another isle. My friend said, mmm what are you doing? I backed away and my friend realized my pinky was stuck. My friend doubled over in laughter so loud, I'm sure the entire store heard. I was spitting on my pinky finger trying desperately to rescue it from that vicious pinky eating piece of minature plumbing. It wouldn't give an inch. My friend went to get help after semi recovering from the laughing fit. After some lube and wd-40 and help of lowes employees my pinky was freed! Yay! Needless to say mmm I won't be going back to that lowes. We came back to my house got the new washing machine working without incident. My friend was off to meet someone for lunch. It wasn't soon after that another friend called me, and we were talking of weight loss in the old days and saran wrap came up in conversation. After getting off the phone I thought wouldn't hurt to try it. I went to my kitchen and got my christmas green saran wrap. As I started rolling out a piece, I thought I've got liquid green eyeliner, I'll put that on and at least have matching eyeliner on. Well to tell you the truth I can't hardly draw a straight line on paper muchless trying to put eyeliner on. By the time I finished and had wrapped myself up, I think it is safe to say I looked like something from a S. King movie. tee hee hee
I scared myself looking into my mirror and my scissors came out and the saran wrap came off and the eyeliner followed.
Some say, "I need a keeper"! I just say, "I need someone to torture me because I'm tired of torturing myself"! ( innocent smile )

When I was 7 or so years old, I use to sit and play with my magnetic car machine, and I would think how great it will be when I'm an adult and can do what I want. When I was 10 or so years of age, I remember thinking when I have my own family we aren't going to eat pot roast every Sunday. When I was 12 years old I remember counting the days down until I turned 13, finally a teenager. When I was 13, I was counting down the months and years to my sweet sixteen. When I was 16, I was counting down the months and years until I was 18 and an adult, free to be on my own and free to take on the world. When I was 18 I was counting down the months and years until I was 21, then I could drink a beer. When I was 19 I got married and my daughter blessed my life a year and a half later. Now my daughter is 15 and like me when I was her age, trying to grow up so fast, trying so hard to be independent, trying so hard to prove something to the world when there is nothing to prove. I have a beautiful life but there are days I would love to be able to hold on to a time when nothing mattered, my youth!

I once heard, Every woman wants a man, that she can go to in her sweats, her hair a complete and utter mess, her makeup running down her face and her eyes red from crying, and the first thing he says to her, "Baby you're beautiful" and means it!

I haven't posted anything here in almost a month because I didn't know what to write exactly. A friend said to me, "Write anything you want, it's your damn &#$^#^ )(#$ (*#$&*#&$ blog"! This is true but for me isn't as easy as it sounds. You see I let few people get close to me. I let few people see the real me.


The above saying reminds me of a friend and myself right now. I'll call my friend Integrity. I think the world of Integrity. Like me Integrity has suffered some major blows in life, and like me Integrity has also over come those major blows. Until now. Integrity is going through a difficult time in life. I reached out to help Integrity and was denied because Integrity has great "pride". Integrity also has much "strength and honor", but sometimes strength isn't enough. I've come to learn that Integrity can also be very stubborn. Integrity is selfless, sometimes I think too selfless of course Integrity might not agree with me. I guess sometimes people need to work through things on their own without letting others help them, and Integrity is doing this now. It hurts me, I could have helped Integrity and the issue at hand would have been resolved. Maybe Integrity sees this as a growing stage in life or maybe because of new changes coming Integrity decided that this was the best decision for now. I don't think so really though, I think Integrity is just too selfless and stubborn to let me or anyone else help. Integrity may be tough, but I know Integrity is hurting right now and there isn't a damn thing I can do to about it. So Integrity and I and are alike, People think we are tough but the truth is, Integrity and I just never let them see our Tears!

A Womans Revenge


Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman to
purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a
television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and
I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

It may be true that nice girls finish last! To finish last and be completely wrapped up in the one I love; is a small price to pay in my wait for him!